Is such a strong word. But I can't help what I feel now.

I hate you. I hate me. I hate people around me. I hate friends. I hate family.

I curse my existence. Why does it being so much pain?

I am so down right now. I can't sleep because reality doesn't allow me. All this fighting and competition and problems and fuuuuuck. I need a break.

What happened to my self that I vowed to become? No matter how I hard I try, why can't I fucking get the results I want. I need a break from life. Really. And I don't mean that break where you go around the country finding out why you really exist the this world.

Cause that's ridiculously stupid. You do not have to exist for a reason. If anything, the reason is because your parents had sex one to many times and pop goes the weasel.

I also don't mean a break like a vacation. Seriously, why the fuck would I want to spend god knows how much money to see what you can see around you - polluted air and ruins.

If only I am able to induce a coma, or a temporary lapse of time where my youth wont be wasted and my mind just rests. Dead. Nothing. The taste of the afterlife - cause there is no Heaven and Hell and you know it.

You fucking know it. You liars.

I want to go to the US now. Like NOW. I don't want to stay here anymore. I want to forget my family. I want to forget so called friends. I want to forget myself. And forge a new identity. Create new partnerships, for friends are overrated. And if I fail there too, I want to run to somewhere else and rinse and repeat.

My stomach aches. I do not feed myself properly in Subang, it saves me money, time, and a need to make decisions. But not today. I know what I want today.

I shall feast in Burger King. Then I shall go to the cybercafe and play, and after 1 hour or so when I'm bored, I will come back home and play at home. When I Get hungry again, I shall go to secret recipe and indulge. And when I come back, I will read the Last of the Mohicans, my history project beckons.

And when I'm done today. I shall rest peacefully, knowing I have some control in my life. Knowing I influence the outcome, my feelings. Knowing I do not have to feel like I'm on a constant PMS, Menopause and Mid life crisis all together at the same time. Knowing that no idiot can ruin my plans no more.

Labels: college, emo, fucked up, HIST 105, PMS, rant, SOCS 102